Nightmare of Reality

Sometimes I write poems and dont really want to post them on Facebook because then I feel like people think they have to read it and react, but thats not what I want. I write poems and stories from a very personal place and sometimes I just want to share them in hopes somebody, somewhere would feel something or understand what im writing.

Lately when Ive been writing new poems I went back and looked at some I had written awhile back. About 2 years ago I struggled with depression and anxiety. In therapy, my therapist asked me to try to put what I was feeling into a story, and write about it. So, I did. I shared it with her and she asked for my permission to share it with her other clients, and I agreed. She shared it and said it helped a lot of her teenage clients because they said in some ways I put what they were also feeling into words and it made them feel more sane.

Honestly, I still do struggle with these issues. It is an illness that I have, but I have gotten a lot better to this day and am in a great place now. I know sharing this poem puts me in a very vulnerable position and quite honestly im a little scared since a lot of people dont know that I suffer with these things, but if it can help someone feel a little better who is also struggling, I want to do that. So, im going to share it. Im going to share some more of my writing too but please dont feel the need to react or anything I just want to put it out there. When youre reading this poem keep in mind that I did come out of this dark place and have found a lot of happiness. This was 2 years ago, and a poem trying to explain what I was feeling daily as a story.

It’s cold

I pull my sweater around me tighter

The air that escapes my lips is easily seen

It twists into the fog

Like a smoker I crave to see smoke escape my lips

My breathe

I crave the reminder that I am still breathing

Glassy blue eyes scan the horizon

Oh where have I ventured to this time

Where have my sad feet dragged me

I have no power to control where I go

I simply don’t have the strength to fight my feet

They walk a path I wish I could change

The sky, a black hole

The ground, a dirty sand

The dirt turns my white shoes a shade of gray

I kick up sand as I drag my feet across the dirt

The sand levitates about my kness

I can’t see my feet

I don’t know where I am going anymore

A little light in the distance

I run

My breathe more rapid

I run

Lost, dazed, and confused

I run

The light vanishes

I reach for it

I crave it

I need it

My head spins

Like a taunting ferris wheel

My head slowly keeps turning

Pain greets my knees as I drop

I drop to my knees

Head in my hands I rock

I rock like a creaking rocking chair

The creaks

Creaks that could lull a baby to sleep

But instead are replaced by my moans

Moans that could wake a baby into a nightmare

Birds frolic by my ears

Their beaks peck my hair

They pull me

I am infatuated by these birds

Their magical songs put me in a trance

Like a student

I believe everything they tell me

Each sound that is released from their beaks

I believe

I’m drawn to it

The noises they make fill me ears

My ears rattle with the enchanting tune

I hate it

I despise these birds

I try to fight them

But it’s useless

I am their nest now

The live in my head

If they leave their nest I don’t feel safe

I awake

A nightmare

My breathe was a form of hope

I needed it

I looked for it

The light

Happiness

I chase it

But never have it

The cold

My heart

My sweater

An attempt to cover it

The birds

My negative thoughts

I believe them

I cant help but follow them

A reoccuring dream

It welcomes me in the morning

It stays with me throughout the day and deep into the night

My nightmare of reality, My battle.